Abuse Claims: What Should We Do?
There are situations in life that are
more complicated than others. Some of us only become aware of them many
years after the fact, and often decisions have been made to sweep things
under the carpet or hide them in the recesses of our minds.
Few of us are unaware of the cases of
harassment, assault and abuse that have taken over the news media.
Truthfully, as astounding and vulgar as these accusations may be in the
“Hollywood” community, we are able to regard them as not being a
relevant part of our lives.
However, when these accusations enter
“our” world, the Jewish world, they seem to catapult into our
consciousness and sometimes lead us to deny that this could ever happen
to us, one of our children or someone we know. Both in terms of
perpetrator and victim.
In the very back of Nina’s mind, rarely
thought of, is the tutor her parents hired to help her with algebra.
This well-recommended math teacher came each week for several months to
help ensure that Nina would pass her New York State algebra Regents.
Each week he sat with her at her desk and went over various problems,
and each time as the session progressed he would rub her back. There was
not a chance in the world that Nina would ever tell her parents. She
was so sure that she must be imagining this horrible act that made her
so uncomfortable. Her thought at the time was primarily that if she told
her parents they would probably excuse his actions as those of a kind
and caring individual. He definitely was not that.
We worried for many years about the
vulnerability of our daughter Naama. People would pass her and some
would say, “Oh, she’s so cute.” Believe us that after she passed the
first maybe eight years of her life, Naama was no longer “cute.”
Silently we worried and were concerned. Her ability to defend herself
was obviously “not at all.”
Often people talk about the “good old
days” as if they were the absolute best. In some ways, perhaps the
attention being given to the situations in which people have been abused
is a benefit to all of us. It helps us be more aware of the dangers
that really do exist out there in both the secular and Jewish world. It
may give us the opportunity to be more open within our community and our
workplace, with our children and our families. Abuse takes many forms.
As a family, we experienced the terror
of one of our grandsons being subpoenaed as a witness in a case of
possible abuse, in which a rebbe who slept in the same bunk as the boys
was accused of molesting a child in the bunk. Although there was a
trial, the “rebbe” was acquitted by the judge in the Monticello, New
York, courthouse. The district attorney of that area told us that he had
never been under as much pressure by every facet of the Jewish
community to not press charges against the accused. A well-known New
York City lawyer was brought to Monticello to defend the accused, who
went on to be arrested again at a later time and was seen being taken in
handcuffs from a well-known yeshiva that did not find his charges from
the past relevant. Into the police car he went. Shame on the menahel and
board of that school to have allowed him to be hired in the first
place. For years there was a cover-up due to his well-known family.
Another form of abuse that we
significantly cringe at is verbal in nature: the lack of respect that is
often shown between men and women, husbands and wives, in front of
others and, most sadly, in front of their children. There is no excuse
for a father to speak to one of his children derogatorily about their
mother and vice versa. Couples spending time with other couples seem not
to hesitate to criticize their spouses. This form of abuse, yelling,
criticizing, making fun of in public causes a form of poison in a
relationship and must not continue.
It is obvious that despite the number of
times we, on egg shells, speak with our children about these topics, it
is almost impossible to protect them from totally unexpected incidents.
Most notable is the fact that most instances of abuse are by someone
who is known to the person and in whom they place their faith and trust.
We all must be brave enough to come forward at any time if we feel
someone has acted inappropriately to anyone in our family. There are
also appropriate ways to report such incidents. Going directly to the
person in question is absolutely the last way to deal with a concern.
Have enough confidence in knowing that what you are doing is protecting
yourself and many others, and do not hesitate.
Recent reports of inappropriate behavior
among respected youth leaders in our communities has encouraged us to
come forth and share with everyone the necessity of not keeping quiet.
It is extraordinarily important to report these cases discreetly,
without ever taking the chance of decimating the character of someone
before all evidence has been proven. No, the world is not the same;
however, as we have seen, many of these horrors took place way before
anyone considered that such things could occur. With proper education
and responsibility we need to continue to relish the beauty of the world
we live in and the good fortune we have to be a part of it, ensuring
that any improprieties are immediately dealt with.
Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick are living in Bergenfield after many years of service to the Montreal Jewish community. Rabbi Glick was the rav of Congregation Ahavat Yisroel as well as a practicing clinical psychologist in private practice. He also taught at Champlain Regional College. The Glicks were frequent speakers at the OU marriage retreats. Nina coordinated all Yachad activities in Montreal and was a co/founder of Maison Shalom, a group home for young adults with special needs. They can be reached at nina@jewishlinknj.com.