The UOJ Bais Din Is Now In Session - Rosh Bais Din - Dayan UOJ Presiding!

There have been many requests that I crack open the culture of corruption that exists in today's batei din. It's not one or two batei din that are impossibly corrupt, there are only a handful that perhaps you can trust. The vast majority of batei din are run by crooks and hooligans. If I went after all of them, I would not have time to eat, never mind tend to my personal life.

So...I decided to open my own online bais din. Hazmanas are free, and there is no charge for a psak din. The criteria for "UOJ - House Of True Din" to accept a case, is that the case has to be unusual.

If you want to know if your neighbor has a right to open a ladies clothing store in his basement, where he or she would be selling tube socks that you have in your basement mens store (an ugly case of hasagat g'vul), ask your local posek.

But if you want to know if your kid should be sent to a boot camp because he wears a kipa sruga, that's where the "UOJ - House Of True Din" will render a psak without consulting with the former SS guard Aaron Schachter from Coney Island Avenue.

So, I hope you get the drift of what the UOJ bais din will focus on.

Having said that, I'm certain that there will be cases that I will need to consult with "real ppposkim -- gggggedoiiilei Torah", and I will. (I always stutter when I say those words, I wonder why?) I have no ego issues; if you wanted to know, for example, if you should invest your last dime with Leib Pinter's mortgage company, I would be certain to call Shmuel Kaminetzky, and if for some strange reason he refuses to come to the phone, I would rely on his precedent ppppsak as applied to the Pinter case..."If Pinter did not scam someone in the last three months, one would have to assume Pinter did teshuva"... so by all means invest your last dime with him.

Another case that the UOJ bais din could consider even though it enters into the realm of medicine. If you had the fear of flying in an airplane, and you had a heart condition where you could drop dead if your plane had to land safely in a body of water, but the pilot was Captain Sully, there's a better than even chance I would try to get Avi Shafran on the phone. (As long as I had him on the phone I'll check on your investments with Madoff - no charge)

Now the next one is a tough one, but we will NOT shirk from our responsibility to Klal Yisroel. Your wife gets pregnant, but you DID NOT have relations with her for 9 years; after consultation with the ppppposkim in Los Angeles, Monsey and Baltimore, the UOJ psak would be -- wait until the kid is born, if it looks like Sholom, Mordecai or Aron Tendler -- the UOJ - House Of True Din would pasken that the collective Tendler families would be liable for that kid's tuition, bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, and a lifetime in kollel.

One final example, just to make certain that you understand the depth and breadth of the UOJ bais din and the diverse range of topics we're willing to tackle. You want to know if you are permitted to picket your child's school, because the principal and 4 rebbes were gang-banging your son in the back of the bais midrash after mishmar -- I would certainly consult with the Novominsker Rebbe, although he and I may not see eye to eye on this one.

Send in your shailos, no unorthodox shaila will go without a psak din from the UOJ - House Of True Din.

Respectfully and humbly submitted,

Av Bais Din - UOJ PPPPPosssek.

Look for the (Triple K) KKK hashgacha on every authentic UOJ psak. Accept no substitutes! KOSHER - from corruption. KOSHER - from bribes. KOSHER from mattress gelt.

Rely only on the KKK. Our yarmulkes are black!