Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Saddest, Most Truthful Purim Shpiel Ever

A reader posts a Purim shpiel....

Dr. Budapesht mit offices in Villiamsbooger, Fletboosha, and boor park.

We are pleased to report that through our intelligence sources, chaver Deep Nose, we have obtained a secretly recorded transcript of a recent visit by Lipa to his therapist – yes I said therapist – who is none other than the world renowned Hungarian genius, the venerable Dr. Budapesht. (Besht for short)

We are sharing it with our supporters who, in light of Lipa’s self-destructive behavior have become deeply concerned about his mental health. Some even fear he may have to be institutionalized in the dreaded Institute for the Talmudically Insane, where the hopelessly krume kep and farshvollene nuz are put out to pasture. Recently, there have been sensationalist reports by an anonymous pashkivil that blood curdling cries of all kinds of krumme svoris and upgefrekte shtiklach Toirah can be heard throughout the night at the Institute. We strongly suggest that you completely disregard anything reported in an anonymous pashkivil not signed by the Vaad Harabanim of Kupas Haair unless it has nice pictures and credit card forms, which of course changes everything.

Lipa: Doctor you have to help me. Lately I haven’t been sleeping. I have this recurring nightmare of the Jewish world's biggest blogger eating up the Yeshiva. What can this mean?

Dr. Budapesht: What’s this I hear about you harboring a child molester Yudi Kolko?

Lipa: Nu, so what’s the big deal?

Dr. Budapesht: Big deal? Are you nuts? Are you out of your mind? Don’t you realize this will bring down your whole yeshiva!!!

Lipa: Am I nuts? That’s what you’re supposed to tell me. That’s why I pay you the big bucks.

Dr. Budapesht: Lipa. You are absolutely, certifiably insane. Only a complete meshugeneh would a keep such a monster in his yeshiva.

Lipa: Now I can relax since you have diagnosed me. At least I’m getting my money’s worth. But Doctor Besht please stop making up bullshit stories for a second and look at it from my point of view. I’m running a business here. If I admit that I’ve been harboring a child molester, what would that do the reputation of my boobeleh, Yeshiva Torah Temimah? Do you realize we are more successful than any Yeshiva in the world? Our talmidim are considered the best and the brightest. We send more talmidim to Brisk who go on to do rich and chushive shidduchim and become rosh yeshiva’s and ramim than any other yeshiva. We are the elite, the crème de le crème. The Harvard and Yale of the yeshiva world in one package.

Dr. Budapesht: Are you done you putz?

Lipa: Are you kidding? I just got started you still don’t understand doctor. I am personally responsible for all this excellence. Me. No one else. It’s all mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. My building. My talmidim. My Yeshiva. My Kuvid. My reputation. My Chashivoos. That’s what’s on the line here. If it gets out that I’ve been harboring a molester for all these years, no one will even touch me with my own one inch pole, not even Mohel Yitzchok Fisher. I’m finished. Finito. Nada. Zilcho. All the chashoovim who used to chanfe me (kiss my fat ass) will now shake their heads at me with disapproving looks and say loudly “ah shanda”. Even worse, much worse, people will pity me and give me this sorry look and say things like. “Nebbbbaach”. I couldn’t handle that. That would destroy me completely. I need to be on top, ask the rebbetzin...oh, I forgot..any rebbetzin... The King. Melech HaMargolis Loilum Vued. Do you really think I care if a few hundred kids got tzsbushivit (poked in the ass) by this guy? They’ll get over it. That’s a very small price to pay for my success and accomplishments. Yechi Hamelech.

Dr. Budapesht: I’m afraid the situation is very serious.

Lipa: Aha! So you do understand. Finally. Only a Hungarian genius like you could understand a man as deep and complex as me and my pockets. It’s all very rational. It’s to all to save my hide, which of course makes it OK.

Dr. Budapesht: No. You completely misunderstood what I was saying. Your situation is serious. You are a narcissistic, psychotic, megalomaniac, screwed up sonafobitch suffering from severe delusional dementia. I’m afraid we’re going to have to commit you immediately. Willy, take him away.

Lipa: No please wait. Listen to me. I’m not crazy. Rabbi Applegrad will vouch for me. He tells me we have nothing to be afraid of. Why should we be afraid? We are the establishment. We are in the right. I am personally responsible for telling the world it's within the boundaries of halacha to keep a sexual predator in a yeshiva around little children. I know for a fact he did not molest anyone for the last five minutes...make it three. The statute of limitations for a man like me is thirty seconds, so I beat it by two and a half minutes. I spoke to Maran Ayatollah Eliyashiv..he said to be machmir; to make certain that at least for a full minute Kolko doesn't do the "poke a kid shtick"..except on Purim where we give him five minutes. So there you have it...the psak on the statute of limitations in halacha. You know why???....because we as frum Yiden must assume that Kolko does tshuva after each poke.

Getting back to me, I am the Rosh Yeshiva, Maran Shlita, Gaon Olam..even the Yated said so. If I say its OK then it is OK by definition. Don’t you understand Doctor?


Lipa: What’s that noise? What’s going on? Why did it suddenly stop?

Dr. Budapesht: That’s the Krooma Svura alarm. I’m afraid you broke it. Kaput. After holding up for 30 years of krooma Toirah you broke it. One second. Willy, bring me the Krumometer right now. I don’t believe it. 10.5 on the Lukshin Scale. I must show this to the residents. Igor,Yunshee, Pishta, Tibor, come here right now. This will be a breakthrough article in the New Chandelier Journal of Magyarism. Igor get your hand off his wallet! You want the IRS after you? Oh look at that. What a shtik krumkeit. In all my years never have I seen such brilliant krumkeit. Truly remarkable.

Lipa: It’s like I was telling you, everything at Toirah Temimah is number one. Even our krooma svuris are exceptionally krum.

Dr. Besht: Lipa. I have no choice. I must commit you immediately or you must make up at least one hundred miracle bullshit stories about me. Krumkeit on this level is not only contagious it can be fatal. It’s even worse than the Kirahouser Rebbe Cold Storage Flu.

Lipa: Wait, you don’t understand my pain. The booshes, the bizyoines. This blogger and his letter. I’ve become a laughingstock. I’m the one being molested here. Can’t you see? Even Rabbi Applegrad, who’s usually as smooth and slick as a Brisker flipping latkes, is avoiding me. I deserve sympathy. Look what’s happening to my melucha. Hey look outside the window. See that Brisker. He’s being mevatel me. Oy gevalt. It’s starting. Please doctor you must do something.

Dr. Besht: Willy. Take him away right now. Please make sure your wearing protective gear. This stuff is so strong you’ll be walking and talking backwards before you can count to three. I got to get back to my "fullofshit" stories about myself, Nosson Scherman is running out of material for his Gedolim series.