Monday, January 10, 2011

Monday's Cholent!

Transcript of conversation that went on in scene pictured above: (The picture was in the NY Times)

Bishop Dolan: Hi, Reb Chaim Dovid. How is the molestation cover up going?

Rabbi Zweibel:
Well, so far only one major lawsuit against Torah Temimah, Baruch Hashem. But people are starting to go to the police.

Dolan: Well, as long as we can make sure that the Markey Bill doesn't pass, the Statutes of Limitations should keep the molesters safe in New York. You know we have been paying a big price to protect the pedophile priests around the world. Over 3 billion dollars in settlements so far.

Zweibel: Why didn't you do something to stop this horrible scandalous situation?

We tried. We sent the predators to therapy and switched them to new parishes.

You want to hear a good one? Some Jewish people are saying you should have actually gotten rid of the pedophiles!

Both of them share an intimate chuckle.

Dolan: Right, like we would ever admit that we have perverts in our church, and that we made mistakes. Don't they realize that our religion says the the Pope is infallible and therefore we can't really say we did anything wrong?

Zweibel: I know. I know. We have a doctrine called "Daas Torah". It is more recent, because traditionally Judaism gave respect to rabbis but never had a concept of Gedolim being perfect and knowing the answers to all issues. Around 1984, Reb Elya Svei and students of Rav Shach came up with this idea in order to consolidate political power. But you would not believe what we have to go through in order to maintain people believing in this hoax.

Dolan: I'm sure you have propaganda newspapers magazines and websites, no? What is it called, Yated Ne'eman?

Yes, and Hamodia, and Mishpacha magazine, and Yeshiva World News and Matzav.com, but now there are blogs like UOJ and Failed Messiah that expose all of our crimes and every attempt we make to convince the people that we actually give a damn about their children's safety.

And Orthodox Jews read them?

Zweibel: Not so many, because the Moetzes Gedolim has enough respect that when they attacked the bloggers and the advocates for children's safety as presumptuous promoters of the idea that they know what's better for the Jewish people, most people fell for it. But there are many learned Orthodox Jews who are starting to publicize the true Torah perspective and show how we have hijacked the religion, which is making us look very bad. They now have this site called VIN that simply tells the stories of the child abuse.

Dolan: Sounds scandalous! What can you do?

Zweibel: We put a ban on the site, and that should show them who's boss. They have not discussed the issue of child abuse ONCE since the ban. It is holding strong.

Wow you rabbis know what you are doing. If I were a molester (and I'm not saying I'm not) I wish I was an Orthodox rabbi so I would have you guys backing me and my religious right to molest. What about the legislation for safe schools?

Zweibel: Well, because of the JBAC, we had to go along with the idea of fingerprinting being mandatory, but we are not too worried about it actually happening. I mean if it did happen, that would be terrible. So many child abusers who are trained as teachers, would be out of a job, and their families out of a breadwinner. But as long as Shelly Silver is in power, the bill will never even come to a vote, yet alone actually pass. I mean, we were recently able to stop New Jersey from making Yeshivas safe from bullying. That would have been terrible.

Dolan: To tell you the truth, I wasn't quite sure why you were against the anti-bullying law.

Zweibel: No offense, but you have a "goyishe kup". Don't you see that if they can tell us not to bully then it could lead to forcing us to accept the homosexual lifestyle? I mean gay rabbis and teachers is one thing, but gay marriage??? Gay kock in yam!

I hear you Dovidel. I never heard that "yam" thing before, some special yontiff food huh? Anyway... You know, the Pope actually had to make a couple of apologies. It was very precarious for a moment with the risk that people would see this as an admission that he acted immorally, because apologies usually mean that you did something wrong, and when that thing is allowing the rape and sodomy of innocent children it usually causes people to think you are a bad person. But Baruch Hashem, as you say, people are still falling for the pomp and circumstance of the Vatican, believing that the Pope is holy and that the Catholic Church is actually a spiritual enterprise.

Zweibel: By the way, wasn't the current Pope in the Hitler Youth Movement as a teenager? Is he an anti-Semite?

Dolan: True, and that did get in the way of one of our plans for defending ourselves. We tried to blame the whole sex abuse scandal on the liberal Jewish media, but people called that anti-Semitism, so we were back to the drawing board.

Zweibel: People can be so cruel. Look at what they are doing to unborn children with abortions.....and then the way society wants to treat innocent child molesters.....Its truly an outrage.

Dolan: All I'm saying is lets lower the rate of abortions. And lets lower the rate of attacks on child molesters. The Church has always taught to turn the other cheek. We want the victims of abuse to do that. To turn the other cheek to their molesters (or as Cardinal Bernard Law used to say to his priests, "turn to other cheeks") and allow them to continue to fulfill their God given appetite for young kids.

Zweibel: We don't have that particular doctrine, but I could not agree with you more. We believe in Mesirah, that forbids turning dangerous criminals over to the authorities who could throw them in jail and deprive their families of a breadwinner. We also have a similar concept of "Pidyon Shvuim" getting Jewish criminals out of jail. We will go all out for Jewish criminals. We bring all segments of Orthodox society, Chassidish, Yeshivish, Modern (they are not really Orthodox according to Rav Svei and Rav Gifter, but we need their financial backing so we pretend sometimes) in order to show the federal government what we have shown the Brooklyn D.A.. That you can't just make a power grab from the rabbis. That if you arrest one Jew, whether innocent or guilty, it is as if you arrested all of us. This way the Feds will think twice.

Dolan: Brilliant. What do you think would happen if you let up on this campaign?

Think about it. If the government thought they could prosecute us at will, they would have to put a fence around Williamsburg, Borough Park and Lakewood for all the tax evasion, money laundering, fraud and corruption. Then they would start with the Rabbinic sex offenders and Orthodox child abusers. Don't ask. We Agudah rabbis ourselves are covering up for Mondrowitz, Eiseman, Shapiro, Juravel, Storch, Weinberg, Kolko, various Tendlers, Michael Hirsch, Nussbaum, Reichman, Abrahamson, Gelbwachs, Eisgrau, Bryks, Templer, Brenner, Borger, Reich, Levitt, Kolko, Jr., Tropper, and on and on. We're even helping a recent fugitive from justice, Kranczer who ran to Israel. We have our connections there hiding him.

Dolan: Makes you long for the good old days when no law enforcement agency would dare start up with religious leaders who are the real arbiters of morality. The days when a cover-up was a cover-up! And when wearing a collar or a beard and payos meant never having to say you were sorry. We clergy were able to dupe people into trusting us with their money, their minds and their children.

Zweibel: Oy. We need Moshiach.

Dolan: Amen, brother, amen. He'll be back soon!....And Dovidel my liebling, if you're not busy after this meeting, come on over to my office, I want to show you a very little thing.