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| Where The Rosh Yeshivas Are The Knesset |
Israel has become a difficult place for certain communities—especially those who seek the rare freedom not to serve in the army, not to study math, and not to work. It’s a national tragedy that this holy lifestyle of maximal holiness with minimal contribution is under threat. That is why, with a heavy but practical heart, I must propose a radical solution: The Haredim of Israel should make aliyah—to Brooklyn, New York, or Lakewood, New Jersey.
You see, these are places where a man can live his best life: state-funded yeshiva stipends, Section 8 housing, SNAP benefits, and zero pressure to serve in the IDF or learn how to multiply fractions.
Let’s face it. The Haredim of Israel are misunderstood, mistreated, and worst of all… occasionally asked to get a job. How dare this Zionist enterprise, which was built on the ashes of pogroms and Holocaust survivors, have the chutzpah to ask a 22-year-old yeshiva bochur with a full beard and no diploma to… serve in the army?
Enough is enough. It’s time for Israel’s ultra-Orthodox community to pick up their shtreimels, pack their gemaras, and make the long-overdue pilgrimage to the real promised land: Brooklyn, New York—or for those who like cul-de-sacs, Lakewood, New Jersey.
In Israel, the state expects its citizens to contribute. Whether through military service, national service, or—brace yourself—employment. What next? A basic high school education? Personal hygiene standards on buses?
But in America, especially in select zip codes of Brooklyn and Lakewood, these kinds of expectations are considered aggressive microaggressions. Want to have 12 kids, no income, and opinions on geopolitics? Welcome to Borough Park, sir. We’ve been expecting you.
Lakewood has perfected the economy of divine dependence: tuition discounts, HUD housing, free school lunches, tax credits, and a divine promise that “Hashem will provide”—usually via the federal government.
In Israel, politicians whine about “budget deficits” when 13% of the population doesn’t work. In Lakewood, that’s called a Tuesday.
In Brooklyn, nobody cares if you’re learning Torah all day and have never seen the inside of a tax-paying office. You can open a yeshiva in a basement, register it as a nonprofit, and teach nothing but Gemara and how to avoid jury duty. No one will stop you—not the mayor, not the IRS, not even your neighbor who moonlights as a Medicare consultant.
In Israel, Haredim constantly battle over IDF exemptions. It’s exhausting. One day it’s “Toraso Omanuso,” the next day it’s “civil service for everyone.” Meanwhile, in Lakewood, the only draft is the gust of air from a badly installed air conditioner. No army, no pushback, no protests—unless someone tries to change the size of a Kollel check.
Why fight over an overpriced apartment in Beit Shemesh when you can overpay for a mold-infested duplex in Flatbush with four illegal kitchens and a bonus room for your shvigger?
Or better yet—move to Lakewood, where your house is a 4,000-square-foot mansion built on a swamp, with five bathrooms, zero bookshelves, and a one-hour commute to your chavrusa’s dining room.
If you're worried about giving up your influence on Israeli politics—don’t be! With today’s advanced technology and robust Israeli absentee ballot systems (funded by secular taxpayers), you can still vote for the party that believes the internet is Avoda Zara… online!
In Brooklyn or Lakewood, no one bats an eye when a 35-year-old with 11 kids doesn’t know what a W-2 form is. That’s not neglect—it’s culture. Try pulling that off in Petach Tikva, and some secular Israeli with a startup and a chip on his shoulder will start ranting about “sharing the burden.” Sharing! What chutzpah.
Brooklyn has cholent delivery on Uber Eats. Lakewood has more shtenders than Starbucks. And neither has mandatory army service, a math requirement, or a coalition crisis every three weeks.
So come, dear brethren. Escape the oppression of expectations. Say goodbye to the land of milk and honey,
and say hello to the land of -"bribe your governors, senators and congressman via the Agudath Israel of America, where conventions are the only thing you have to worry about paying for!"
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| REPUBLISHED |