Dr. Hyman Shwarzberg
by Mazal Shwarzberg
Mazal Shwarzberg
Mazal Shwarzberg
The man you see in this photo is Dr. Hyman Shwarzberg. He lives in Crown Heights, is close to 70 years old, and as you can guess by our shared last name - we are genetically related.
You see, this man was supposed to be my father. Instead, he chose to abuse me.
The abuse was so bad, my brain completely blocked it out. I grew up thinking he was a neutral person who was on the spectrum (I never did quite get the idea that he was good).
At some point, I grew up and learned that after a certain age, people are rarely if ever neutral.
At 23, I had a horrific flashback to the abuse. I went back to NY for a few reasons, one of which was to see him with my own eyes. What I saw made my stomach turn.
My family was less than welcoming. When I first got back to NY, I didn't say anything to them about my flashback. It was clear they wouldn't believe me, or even worse - they'd attack me for coming forward.
I blocked the memories one last time. Told myself that the next time they came up, I would never block them again. I wasn't ready to deal with the repercussions of facing and owning the truth.
During the months I blocked everything, I lived in the same house as him. My body compensated for my mind's denial. I felt physically ill any time I was around him.
Eight months later, the truth finally flooded back in. As one would expect, my emotional state suffered and I started spending most of my time indoors.
I slept in the basement - in a bedroom directly underneath my sister's bedroom. One Thursday in early January, at 5 o'clock in the morning, I heard heavy footsteps in her bedroom. She was a minor.
I grabbed the nearest weapon - a hammer - and went upstairs. I was absolutely terrified. I knew what I'd see when I opened that door, and was afraid I would lose it and G-d forbid injure my sister. So I walked to the bedroom hallway, made enough noise to be heard and went back downstairs. I heard her bedroom door open and close as I went back downstairs.
Today, I recognize this moment as a moment of profound cowardice in my life. If I had had the courage to walk into that room, I could have saved many vulnerable people a whole lot of suffering.
I have done many things to try to remove him from the presence of vulnerable people.
I called CPS.
They opened an investigation that lasted a few months, but didn't find enough evidence to do something.
I called the police in NY, they told me I had to file a complaint with local police in Israel (where I currently live). So I did. They promptly told me that I didn't have enough hard evidence for the case to go forward.
I warned my family multiple times back then, and once in the interim. One of my siblings threatened to call the police on me, and I haven't been invited to any family affairs since.
Personal experience has taught me that denial is strong and cowardice even stronger.
It is written in Kohelet Rabba, "one who is merciful to the cruel will end up being cruel to the merciful".
I have spent a long time regarding myself as a victim. Wondering why no one did anything to protect me when I was a child.
Feeling so profoundly sorry for myself, I didn't recognize that I had joined in the vicious cycle of cruelty.
My family chose to protect him, to have mercy on him. That made his cruelty theirs. And I chose to have mercy on my family, which passed the cruelty right along to me.
You see, they had cut me off but not completely. And I was too scared to take a scalpel to these relationships. The truth was, they weren't relationships - only the illusions of them. I was afraid nonetheless; still living the lie.
Two and a half years ago, my niece was born. This past year, she got a new brother.
These are little children who cannot protect themselves. They have no voice, and the people entrusted with protecting them are in a state of denial that I am in no position to judge them for.
However, I can no longer remain silent.
I have no hard evidence regarding the crimes he's committed - yet.
Please reach out to me if you or someone you know has been harmed by this man.
And please, share this post.
This is not my attempt to hold him accountable - I think only G-d can do that.
This is me doing something I should have mustered up the courage to do years ago.
Protecting the vulnerable who cannot protect themselves.
I no longer want to swim in a sea of sorry excuses regarding why I don't do something about this.
We sometimes wonder how the people living next door to Auschwitz just went about their lives.
I don't wonder anymore. This personal holocaust has been going on for years now with my knowledge - and while I've done my best to do the right thing until now - my best has manifested as patent cruelty in the life of someone completely helpless.
And I know it's that it's my own learned helplessness that has allowed me to wallow in self-pity and cowardice. While a sick and dangerous person has had free reign to sew seeds of destruction that incinerate and desecrate lives.
Enough is enough.
Please don't be silent. Please don't watch the billowing smoke of human corpses rise up from your neighbor's chimney and be silent.
I can't judge you if you are silent, I myself spent long enough muted for weakness and fear.
We always pay the price for our cowardice.
We also reap the benefits of our bravery.
Courage is as contagious as fear is.
And please, share this post.
