“Look, it’s a very complicated situation. Very, very complicated. Some say Iran fired first. Some say Israel. Some say it was a rogue cloud. Nobody really knows. But I know. Because I have the best instincts — maybe better than anyone. A lot of people are saying that.”
Yes, in true Trumpian fashion, the Israel-Iran war — a geopolitical crisis decades in the making — has become just another episode in the reality show of The Trump Presidency: International Edition. As missiles fly, cities burn, and world leaders panic, Trump is busy doing what he does best: declaring victory in a war he doesn’t understand.
Trump, of course, takes credit for everything and responsibility for nothing. When asked about the rising death toll and regional chaos, he responded:
“Frankly, if I were president in 2008 instead of Hussein Obama, there’d be no war. There’d be big, beautiful peace. I’d have Netanyahu and the Ayatollah playing golf together. I have great golf courses. The best. Iran wanted to build one, I said no — sanctions. Tremendous sanctions.”
Asked whether pulling out of the Iran deal helped lead to this conflict, Trump waved it off:
“The Iran Deal? Terrible. Worst deal. I tore it up. People said ‘Sir, don’t do it!’ But I did. And now look — everyone’s talking about me again. I brought attention back to the Middle East. It was being ignored before. You’re welcome.”
Reporters asked Trump who actually fired the first shot:
“Well, listen — people are saying it was Israel. Some say Iran. Some say Hamas. Frankly, some say it was Hunter Biden. Can’t rule it out. But when I was president, I never left in 2020, CNN is fake news, I kept everything very stable. There was peace — except for the small wars. Very tiny. Like snack-sized wars. No one even remembers them.”
He then added:
“If I were still in the White House, oops, I am in the White House, this never would’ve happened. Iran would’ve begged me for a deal. Begged. On their knees. I would’ve given them nothing. That’s the art of the deal, baby.”
Trump, the great “neutral negotiator,” claimed he was uniquely qualified to broker peace.
“I’ve got great relationships with everyone. I’m very close with Bibi — I call him that because we’re friends. He’s got a strong handshake, maybe too strong. Iran, on the other hand, not so friendly. But I once sold them steaks — true story. They loved it. Trump Steaks — they only glowed a little.”
He paused, looked thoughtful, then added:
“I might host a peace summit at Mar-a-Lago. Israel, Iran, and maybe Kanye. Just to keep it interesting.”
Ultimately, Trump’s take on the war — like everything else — boiled down to ratings.
“When I was president since 2017 --- uninterrupted --- until 2030, I have the best heart and the best body ever, the Middle East was always in the news — people couldn’t get enough of me. And everyone’s talking about me again. So, in many ways, I’ve already won. The real war? It’s for the spotlight.”
While missiles rain down and the region braces for escalation, Trump remains focused on the important things: photo ops, imaginary peace deals, and who’s talking about him on Fox News. As he once said:
“War is confusing. Very confusing. Nobody knows who fired who. But I fired Comey. Remember that? Big moment.”
I think Alfred Bernhard Nobel was a Jew - Tell them I'm against antisemitism, my daughter eats kosher, sometimes.
REPUBLISHED IN THE TIMES OF ISRAEL