Heading towards the Next Charedi Woman’s Suicide?
After Esti Weinstein was found lifeless in her car,
discussions raged online about what motivated her to end her life. Some
blamed the restrictive Gerrer community for the creating the
circumstances that led her suicide. Others rushed to say, “We cannot
judge! It is their lifestyle! It is their culture.” As if somehow, they
are an alien culture beyond our understanding or concern. As if calling out damaging behaviors of a community is the same as hating a community.
But this is not about “lifestyle.” This is about abuse, at many levels. And there are times when the Jewish community is not only allowed to pass judgement, but required to do so.
Ger promulgates an extreme set of rules called takanot. Instituted after World War II in a number of Hasidic sects, the takanot of Ger are the most restrictive
and are even at odds with Jewish law, according to most, in the area of
marital intimacy. They control the lives of the Hasidim (followers) in everything
from wives having to walk behind their husbands, to husbands not
calling their wives by name, to how often a couple can be intimate (no
more than twice each month).
In theory, any couple can opt not to follow
any rule that they do not like. However, in actuality, the structure of
the community and the expected obedience often leaves couples without
choice. This is not unique to Ger. In Satmar, customs such as
head-shaving for married women is enforced by community leaders with
modesty patrols and mikveh attendants who are charged with enforcement and snitching.
In this way, the community is kept under the
control of the leadership, and people who do not follow the rules find
themselves threatened with things such as isolation, children’s
expulsion from school, or loss of a job.
After Esti’s suicide, investigative articles
and the book she had penned about her life reported details of a
difficult marriage and her struggle with the takanot’s effect
on her as a person and on her marriage. She also wrote of the extreme
suffering she endured from her forced isolation (post-divorce) from six
of her seven children. It was this isolation, she claimed, as the reason
she could not go on. The same alienation commanded by community
leadership has been the major factor in the suffering and even suicide
of other women and men who have left Hasidic marriages and communities.
The Next Esti?
Rachel is another Gerrer Hasida who also
wanted out of her marriage. Divorce, despite being permitted by Jewish
law, is forcefully discouraged in Ger and other Hasidic sects. After
Rachel requested a divorce, the rabbis sent her to therapists and
psychologists who tried to convince that her she was crazy — to the
point of pressuring her to take psychiatric medication.
After Rachel mustered the courage to file for
divorce in the Israel’s rabbinic court, the heads of the hasidic
community called for everyone close to Rachel to sever ties with her,
including her grown children, parents, and siblings. And they did.
Over the course of the years during which she
sought assistance from the court, Rachel continued to live in her home
with her husband and children. Under directives from community leaders,
the family ignored her existence. She ate meals alone in one room while
her husband sat at the shabbat table with their children in another.
Despite begging, Rachel’s husband refused to
divorce her. He went on to accuse her of being a rebellious wife (a
halachic term that has specific ramifications) and committing adultery.
Though this was the perfect opportunity for the court to order her
husband to give Rachel her divorce, the court instead allowed him to
deny her and keep her in the home as a ‘shifcha’ (maidservant), to keep house but not be a wife.
Rachel continued to suffer near complete
isolation and get refusal with Israel’s Rabbinic Court in Ashdod and its
dayanim complicit in both. It wasn’t until Rachel, represented by the
Center for Women’s Justice, filed a suit in a secular court for
emotional damages that her husband agreed to a divorce, on condition
that she pay hundreds of thousands of shekels in extortion money.
Rachel got her divorce. But she is still being tormented.
The rabbinic court is now deciding on custody of her minor children and
once again, it is allowing the Gerrer leadership to run the show.
Unlike Esti, Rachel remains a dedicated Gerrer
follower. And yet, for the crime of divorcing against the will of the
Rabbi, she is being alienated from her children who miss her. See this heartbreaking letter
from her son who states that he loves his mother but is being forced to
not speak to her out of fear of what they will do to him if he
disobeys.
The community has sent letters to the rabbinic court saying that Rachel is not a good enough chasidah
(female chasid) to have custody of her children, letters which the
dayanim have accepted as evidence but refuse to include in the official
case files. This is illegal and a breach of court procedures.
Now, one of Rachel’s children is about to get
married. Rachel was not invited to the wedding, and is experiencing deep
pain because of it. During court proceedings, the father announced that
the Rabbi of Ger in Ashdod is the one who will decide if Rachel can
come to the wedding. And so, she waits, her fate in the hands of those
who seem want to make an example out of her.In both cases of Esti and Rachel, Gerrer
leadership violated Jewish law and falsely presented the people
involved. In Esti’s case, her husband forced her into abusive sexual
encounters with other men against her will, yet they turned her into the
one who to shun for violating Jewish law for fleeing. In Rachel’s case,
her husband was obliged to divorce her based on numerous factors, yet
they did their best to prevent it. In both cases, they worked to
alienate the children and vilify the mother. They violated halacha in favor of control.
Not Our Problem?
There are many villains here. From the
leadership of the community that commands the abuse, to the community
that fulfills its command. From the dayanim on the religious courts that
add legal strength to the abuse, to the the silent majority who says
nothing and does nothing to save the Estis and Rachels of the Jewish
community.
To ignore this abuse is to be a party to it.
To say, “We cannot judge,” is to discard our morality and God-given intellect and obligation to discern right from wrong.
We are obligated as Jews, to stand up for those being harmed.
If we are silent, if we allow this to happen,
we cannot react with shock when we find the next Esti: alone, bereft,
and unable to suffer any longer, alienated from her children by the
leadership and community that betrayed her and the silent majority that
allowed it to happen.
4 comments:
These people are evil.
I am ashamed, not of the takunos, couples can decide if to oblige with them or not and if they have to many differences they can divorce, I am ashamed of the system of abuse that punishes the woman for wanting out, it' disgusting, evil and totally unacceptable for the leadership to be doing what they are to Rachel and to any other women that are in similar situations. The rabanim involved would not be able to say ידינו לא שפכו את הדם הזה if she God forbid decided she can't take it no more. DESPICABLE!
I told Mondrowitz if he wants a new parnussa outlet after UOJ & other troublemakers got his fake diploma mill shut down by Mishtara & got him fired from Jerusalem College of Technology that he should train to be a badchan by inzerra simchos.
Religión kills the spirit and instead of having a close relationship with God i think it becomes the opposite trying to follow so many rules
Post a Comment