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Friday, January 10, 2014

How Many More?


A Jewish Atheist’s Prayer 
Thursday, January 16, 2014| Permalink
 
Earlier this week, Leah Vincent wrote about leaving the ultra-Orthodox community and the backlash that came when she decided to talk about her decision publicly. Her memoir, Cut Me Loose: Sin and Salvation After My Ultra-Orthodox Girlhood, will be published by Nan A. Talese on January 21st. She has been blogging here all week for Jewish Book Council and MyJewishLearning.

When I was little, I talked to God constantly. There were prayers for waking up, for the morning, for the afternoon, before eating, after eating, after using the bathroom, on hearing thunder, on seeing lightening, on a long trip, on wearing new clothing, on going to bed. These were the required Hebrew prayers, which I augmented with personal updates in silent English, checking in with God like a modern kid sends texts: a staccato barrage of shorthand messages bracketing every emotion and event.

When I left ultra-Orthodoxy as a teenager, I brought God with me on my journey, a silent and watchful companion in those turbulent years. Even as I tried cheeseburgers and kissing boys, I could still drench the pages of my prayer book with tears. But eventually, about eight years ago, when I read enough science to squash the last of the mystical stories I had been raised on, my growing skepticism evolved into a firm comfort with Atheism and I stopped talking to God.

I went to yoga, the other day. My mind wandered down my to-do list as I planted my legs in the postures for Warrior One, Two and Three. After a sweaty hour, as we lowered to corpse pose to end the class, I glanced at the woman next to me. Her shorts had ridden up, revealing a series of scabby scars on her thigh. I lay back with my palms up, eyes closed and stinging with tears.

Maybe it was the yoga, unfolding the pieces of my body, unhinging the stuck places, opening my heart, but to my surprise, I found myself talking to God in my head. Screaming at him.

“Where were you? Where were you, God?”

My throat closed as I tried to swallow my sobs.

I knew the scars that the woman beside me carried. As a teenager, I had taken a razor to my arm. Releasing blood gave me relief from the terror and confusion I felt after leaving my religious family and finding myself alone in the world. My cutting has long healed to Braille, but the woman’s fresh wounds suddenly brought me back to that time in my life that now seems so long ago.

“Where were you God? Why didn’t you save me from myself, from everyone, from everything?”

The anger piled on top of my supine body, a mountain of rocky fury hovering over me. It felt real, three-dimensional, my forgotten emotions solidifying above me as I railed at God.

There was no answer. But suddenly, I saw myself, a little naked creature, emerging from a door in the anger, walking out, away from it, onto a vast lunar plain. My shoulders sank into the yoga mat, as I felt the relief of being free from all of that bitterness. It was so simple, in this strange little vision I had. I just walked away from the anger and was free.

“Roll up to sit,” the yoga teacher instructed us, and my vision faded. But a sense of lightness remained, along with a strange aftertaste from having struck up a conversation with someone who no longer existed.

There is no God for me, in my understanding of the world now, but perhaps, I mused, as I rolled up my mat, there is still some place for me to send my hopes and fears. I can’t deliver my words to a Divine listener, but maybe there is still relief in sending my messages out to a psychic space beyond myself, in giving myself permission to pray, even, as an atheist.

Leah Vincent is a writer and activist. The first person in her family to go to college, she went on to earn a master’s in public policy from the Harvard Kennedy School. In addition to writing for various publications, including The Huffington Post and The Jewish Daily Forward, she is an advocate for reform within ultra-Orthodoxy and for the empowerment of former ultra-Orthodox Jews seeking a self-determined life. She works with Footsteps, the only organization in the United States supporting formerly ultra-Orthodox individuals. Read more about her and her memoir, Cut Me Loose: Sin and Salvation After My Ultra-Orthodox Girlhood, here: www.leahvincent.com.

7 comments:

Yehuda Berg said...

Son of Torah Vodaas ausvarf Feivel GruBERGer

http://www.tmz.com/2014/01/17/kabbalah-centre-rabbi-yehuda-berg-lawsuit-battery-vicodin-alcohol-assault/

A Kabbalah leader -- who hobnobs with the likes of Madonna and Ashton Kutcher -- sexually attacked a woman and then threatened to "f**king kill" her if she told anyone ... according to the woman, who's just filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit.

Jena Scaccetti is suing Yehuda Berg -- co-director of L.A.'s famed Kabbalah Centre -- claiming he was her spiritual advisor and Kabbalah teacher when he groped her and threatened her in October 2012.

According to the lawsuit ... Berg -- a married father of five -- invited Scaccetti to dinner at his mother's apartment, claiming he could help heal her kidney stones.

Scaccetti claims Berg complained to her about his life at the Kabbalah Center and began trashing other teachers at the Centre... even describing his sister-in-law as a "c**t" and a "star-f**ker."

In her lawsuit, Scaccetti claims Berg then plied her with Vicodin and alcohol and started hugging her and touching her legs. She says he asked if her genital region "...was Brazilian or shaved" ... and made the move to seal the deal.

The woman claims in the lawsuit she resisted his advances and Berg got angry, saying he would "f**king beat the whole right side of [her] until [she was] blue" and that he would "f**king kill you."

Scaccetti now wants justice with a dollar sign -- she's suing for $15 mil ... plus another $40 mil in punitive damages.

We've reached out to Berg and the Kabbalah Centre ... so far no word back.

Elad Israel molester Dovid Kravetz said...

http://nochemrosenberg.blogspot.com/2014/01/blog-post_4848.html

The molester of Shmuel Hanovi Street said...

http://www.kikarhashabat.co.il/%D7%AA%D7%95%D7%A7%D7%A3-%D7%90%D7%95%D7%A8%D7%91-%D7%9C%D7%A0%D7%A2%D7%A8%D7%95%D7%AA-%D7%97%D7%A8%D7%93%D7%99%D7%95%D7%AA-%D7%91%D7%A1%D7%9E%D7%98%D7%90%D7%95.html

puzzled said...

Why is this lady interesting? She wasn't molested. People have free will and some will voluntarily choose evil.

Paul Mendlowitz said...

I knew the scars that the woman beside me carried. As a teenager, I had taken a razor to my arm. Releasing blood gave me relief from the terror and confusion I felt after leaving my religious family and finding myself alone in the world. My cutting has long healed to Braille, but the woman’s fresh wounds suddenly brought me back to that time in my life that now seems so long ago.

*

Where were her parents, teachers, family,...not one person saw her turmoil?

puzzled said...

Why not try to contact her parents, teachers or family. Perhaps they can provide some enlightenment.

Anonymous said...

About the #KabbalahCentre's concerted efforts to use me as a sex object:

I was drugged & given alcohol to drink by the #KabbalahCentre. I was told that the ancient sages of #Kabbalah used to get high to connect to #God.

Like #Moses: The #KabbalahCentre people said that #Moses was high on drugs when he received the Ten Commandments.

Then they told me I should have sex with their boss, #YehudaBerg. #YehudaBerg was always agitated, crazed even. They said his mother #KarenBerg had heard from #God that it was what I should do, I should have sex with #YehudaBerg. #KarenBerg always heard things & would get people to convince me to do as she heard. #KarenBerg took drugs on a regular basis. & so did her late husband, #RavBerg.

#YehudaBerg was very interested in my penis.

He wasn't the only one. #MichaelBerg, #YehudaBerg's brother, was too.

I have #HighFunctioningAutism. It's taken me a while to find the right words to tell my story.


Ricardo Leo Kaye AKA Rough Top (I Am Rough Top)
http://roughtop.tumblr.com