When child sexual abuse is discovered, it’s important to report it to the authorities immediately. This is absolutely critical for two reasons: It provides the child with the proper treatment and support that he or she will desperately need, and it serves to protect other children who may be, or have been, victimized by the abuser.
Consider this rude awakening: Statistics indicate that approximately one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually assaulted before age 18. It may be tempting to believe that such abuse is far less prevalent in the Jewish community, but this is not the case. Data suggests that child sexual abuse occurs within the Jewish community at around the same rate as in secular society.
Many, if not all, community members know
that recent headlines have indicated that a member of our community was
arrested in connection with allegations of child sexual abuse. The
Jewish Link has joined with Jewish Family Service of Clifton-Passaic,
the Rabbinical Council of Bergen County, and other institutions in
supporting the victim and other potential victims, as well as the family
members of the accused.
After consulting with a number of
therapists, social workers and parents, we chose not to sensationalize
or splash the details of the news on our front page where our children
can easily access it. We want parents to have the power to share the
information with their children on their children’s age level. The
“Google generation” has every ability to learn the details of the case
from other media sources. We have been told that if there is any chance
that a child could find out about this, the parent should initiate
dialogue with the child about what happened, on that child’s level.
However, to protect innocent bystanders who live in our community, we’ve
also decided not to join other news organizations in covering this
terrible story, which could also cast unwanted attention upon the brave,
underage victim who has come forward with his family and which would
presumably include difficult details of a nuclear family in the process
of shattering.
We believe the Jewish Link can be most
helpful to the community by reviewing guidelines and warning signs with
our readers about child sexual abuse. As editor of the Jewish Link, I
worked with JLNJ contributor and clinical psychologist Dr. Shoval
Gur-Aryeh to come up with clear directives and advice that may be
helpful for our readers in speaking with children about sexual abuse.
Dr. Gur-Aryeh has received specialized training regarding sex offenders
and works with victims of sexual abuse. An article he wrote at the
beginning of the summer about protecting children from sexual abuse was
used as part of my preparation. I was also assisted by several other
professionals in this field who have contributed significantly to this
article, who, for a variety of reasons, have declined to be named.
Abuse in the Jewish community may appear less prevalent, but in general, child sexual abuse is severely under-reported. “Abused
children may not come forward because they think they are to blame and
often feel ashamed and guilty. Also, Orthodox parents may not generally
be comfortable initiating discussions with their children about sex and
inappropriate sexual contact. This can result in children feeling
embarrassed about disclosing to anyone when they’ve been abused,”
Gur-Aryeh said.
The recent reports underscore a
disturbing reality. Dr. Gur-Aryeh reports that child victims of sexual
abuse know their abuser in as many as 93 percent of cases. “Plain and
simple, perpetrators are able to do what they do because they have
access to children and because children (and their caretakers) are
uninformed and unprepared to respond to these threats to their safety,”
he said.
Dr. Gur-Aryeh points out the need to
take reasonable steps to protect children while at the same time not
becoming too reactionary. For example, in light of the news reports,
children may be apprehensive to see a psychotherapist and parents may be
reluctant to trust a therapist with their child. While understandable,
such a reaction is potentially harmful if it leads families away from
seeking the help that children need.
Dr. Gur-Aryeh adds, “What compounds the
trust issue further is the fact that children are typically alone with
their therapist during sessions. There are very good reasons for this,
including that children may feel inhibited from being open and
forthcoming about what is really troubling them if their parents are
present.”
When parents do not attend the therapy
sessions, Dr. Gur-Aryeh suggests they process the sessions with their
children afterward. “It’s important not to make children feel pressured
to reveal what is discussed in therapy or it can undermine the therapy
and possibly make their children feel more distressed. Encourage
disclosure, rather than insist upon it,” advises Gur-Aryeh. And, of
course, parents should communicate with their child’s therapist so they
are informed. This will create a comfortable space for children to
divulge to their parents should anything inappropriate occur.
Parents can reduce the risk of their
children being victimized by reviewing some basic safety measures with
them. Dr. Gur-Aryeh and others have prepared the following suggestions:
General Conversation Tips for Parents to Discuss With Their Children About Sexual Abuse
1. Children should understand that it’s
never okay to “keep a secret” from their parents. Children need to
understand that parents would want them to tell, even if the perpetrator
discourages or threatens. Children need to know that they will never
get in trouble if they tell someone about being sexually abused.
2. In plain language, children should be educated about their bodies, e.g. proper names of organs.
3. Children should understand that any touch or language that makes them feel uncomfortable should be disclosed,
whether someone is trying to touch or view their private parts (this
can simply be defined as parts covered by a bathing suit) or any other
parts of their bodies if it makes them uncomfortable. The reverse is
true as well. They should never be asked to touch or view other people’s
private parts.
4. Being touched in an inappropriate
manner is an obvious example of sexual abuse. Less obvious to children
is being spoken to in a way that reflects sexual intent. Educate your children about this and empower them to trust their instincts.
Predators who might ‘groom’ children for
abuse might begin by using inappropriate talk, but the various
professionals we spoke to indicated that grooming appears in a many
different ways and anyone with questions on this should reach out to a
therapist, pyschologist or other licensed professional.
5. If children are away from home, help
them identify one or more trusted adults they can speak to until they
are able to talk to you. For example, a psychologist or teacher if they
are in school.
6. Have this conversation with your
child starting at a young age (approximately four years old) and repeat
it at least annually. Good times to have the conversation are before
school or camp begin.
How to Respond If a Child Is Abused
According to some estimates, as many as
40 percent of children do not show signs of having been sexually abused.
Gur-Aryeh says that Hollywood portrayals would have us believe that
children who have been sexually abused provide clear, detailed accounts
of their abuse. “In reality, children often tell their story gradually,
after a period of time has elapsed, and through indirect hints or subtle
references to the abuse. Often, this is done because the child is
unsure if the person they’re telling will believe them or criticize
them,” said Gur-Aryeh.
No single sign will reveal if a child
has been abused, but observing a collection of signs may suggest that
further attention is warranted, according to Gur-Aryeh. Some signs
include:
Sudden nightmares and other unexplained sleep problems
Being uncharacteristically distracted and distant
Severe mood swings
Sudden fear of certain people or places
Sudden preoccupation with drawing or talking about sexual topics, or engaging in sexualized behavior
The final pieces of advice, gleaned from several clinicians: Stay calm. If/when
your child discloses and you become hysterical, it will frighten the
child. Thank them for telling you, reinforce that if they were touched,
made to feel uncomfortable, etc., it is not okay—and not their fault—and
reassure them that you will do everything possible to prevent it from
happening again.
When child sexual abuse is
discovered, it’s important to report it to the authorities immediately.
This is absolutely critical for two reasons: It provides the child with
the proper treatment and support that he or she will desperately need,
and it serves to protect other children who may be, or have been,
victimized by the abuser.
Northern New Jersey has several Jewish
agencies that provide valuable treatment for children who’ve been
victimized, as well as preventative educational programs for children
and their caregivers. Project S.A.R.A.H. includes the Aleinu Safety Kid
program that is designed to educate and train children and their
parents, schools and camps about child sexual abuse.