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Sunday, October 19, 2014
“We’re flabbergasted, gobsmacked and dumbfounded,” said the head of the rabbinical council of __________.
** Molester Rabbi Mad Libs **
Talking about sex crimes in an insular religious community is hard. That is why I offer you today a handy form for dealing with the latest rabbinical sex-criminal story. Just fill in the biographical and geographical details, and you’re ready to go!
The Jewish community of __________ was shocked to learn today that respected local Rabbi __________ has been implicated in a sex crime.
“We’re so shocked to hear this,” said one community member. “And it’s so totally unprecedented!”
Local police said they are investigating the allegations of __________, against Rabbi __________including putting his __________ on the __________ of unsuspecting community members who came to him for guidance and counseling.
“We’re flabbergasted, gobsmacked and dumbfounded,” said the head of the rabbinical council of __________. “There was no way any of us could have seen this coming. I mean, there were allegations of sexual and professional impropriety, and we gave them all the weight that we would any such accusations coming from women, children, non-Jews or non-religious Jews, all of whose testimony is deemed inadmissible by the Torah. Perhaps there had been some transgression of Jewish law, but certainly a man who violates what he spends his entire career exhorting others to follow would not dare commit a crime! I mean, in this case, he did, but did I mention how awestruck, dumbstruck and thunderstruck we are? And it’s so totally unprecedented!”
However, some in the community cautioned against premature adjudication. “Let’s not rush to judgment,” said longtime supporter __________. “Let’s wait until after arrest, indictment, trial, conviction, sentencing, appeal and the civil suit to discuss this issue. At that point, I will remind you that a) Rabbi __________ has paid his debt to society; b) no one really knows what went on behind closed doors except Rabbi __________, the complainant and any electronic recording devices present; c) you apparently haven’t heard of the Jewish concept of repentance. Look, he once gave a sermon I really liked. Could such a man commit such a crime? It just doesn’t add up. And it’s so totally unprecedented!”
Others argued that the failure was systemic. “We must face the grim reality and an issue which haunts our community,” opined one observer. “It’s high time our schools, synagogues and communities face the real problem: insufficient Internet connectivity. Surely if Rabbi __________ had access streaming high-definition pornography, this heinous crime would never have been committed.” Other likely culprits identified were bible criticism, leftist media, female rabbis and the gays.
Jewish leaders across the greater __________ area were particularly alarmed. “I am extremely concerned about what this means for our community,” said __________. “Wait, what does he wear on his head? Well, that’s not my style of headgear. I’m not surprised that a practitioner of that type of Judaism would do such a foul thing. Even though it’s so totally unprecedented.”
Rabbi __________ has been suspended while the investigation continues. While this community digests its shock, everyone agrees on one thing: there is absolutely nothing to be learnt from this experience.